disapointment at Christmas

So I had another negative pregnancy test, I am pretty bummed but right now I am just very anxious for 2010 to be here. I want to put this year behind me. We are saving money like crazy right now. We are doing our best to pay off our credit debt so we can put as much as we can into the IUI. This is going to be a great year, even if we don't get pregnant. We are moving on with our lives and living for what we have and not what we want.

Merry Christmas and may you be blessed with a terrrific 2010!~

Merry Christmas

Christmas is just over a week away and I am struggling to find the Christmas spirit. This is my favorite time of year....usually. I am getting mad at myself for being such a scrooge lately. I have been spending a lot of time in my head lately, maybe even too much but I have been trying to discet my brain and figure out what is wrong with me. I have talked about before all of the blessings in my life and I remind myself daily how lucky I am. I don't want to take any of it for granted.

So this is totally scattered but this is how my mind is working right now so this is how it will be!

I am in a rut! Bryan and I were working and working on getting our life in order, we always had an excuse. First we were newly weds, then he was in school, then he had just graduated, then we had no money, then Bryan was just starting out at his new job.....and so on. Now what? What is it going to take to get our lives where we want them to be. So long ago I decided it was a baby that would fill the hole in my life but can I really sit around feeling like this anymore? It has been three years! If God has really intended for us to be parents he will show us how that is possible. I am working right now on figuring out what I can do now to help myself. I feel so distant from God and I know that isn't helping my hole. I went to church for the first time in a long time this week. I didn't want to but I am glad I did. I don't know if I am mad or numb or what it is but I just haven't wanted to go. It really felt good to be there.

I am hoping maybe reconnecting with some of my life I have abandoned will help me be happy where we are. Bryan and I have so much fun together but we have literally been waiting until we have a baby. We have planned everything in our lives for years around the face that I "might" be pregnant and wether or not I could do it pregnant. Some may call it being prepared but at this point it is just depressing. No more, next year for our anniversary we are going to Disneyland together. Could I be pregnant by then? Maybe, but that is something we will have to deal with when it comes. I am done waiting. I want to live my life the way things are now!

I can't spend the next ten years of my life in limbo waiting for the life I had planned for!

So a totally random blog but it feels really good to get that off my mind!

Merry Christmas to you all and I pray you will be blessed with the magic and warmth that Christmas can bring!

another month

Well it has been another month since I last wrote and not much has changed. I finally did get brave enough to start my medication, and so far so good. It has made me just a little sick but nothing I can't manage. We have been making plans to try an IUI around next August if this try doesn't work.

My mom has been on my mind a lot lately, I have spent a lot of time trying not to think about her too much because it was just too hard. Lately however it has been helpful. Hard but helpful. Last sunday I attended our pastor appreciation lunch at our church, we have been very bad abou attending church since she died but I felt I needed to be at this lunch. They gave a chance for everyone to stand and say thanks to our Pastor and Youth Pastor for all they do and I had no intention of speaking....at all. However when they started speaking I felt as though I was pushed out of my chair and right onto the stage. Never have I wanted to run back to my seat so bad but I didn't, I stood in front of the microphone and looked my pastor in the eye and thanked him. I completly lost it but I thanked him, I told him how much she loved him and how much it meant to me that he was there with us everyday. I thanked him for saying such wonderful things about her to all of thoes people who came to pay their respects at her service. I never really thanked him before, it felt good to say it. I have often found myself reliving thoes 11 days in the hospital, each moment wondering if it would be the last. Holding my every breath as I watched another breath pass her lips, praying for God to take her and at the same time praying he wouldn't. I have to make myself remember more than that when thoes memories come around. I remember the trip we took to Breckenridge a year ago and even though she was sick it was wonderful. I remember her smell and the way her hand felt when it brushed my hair out of my eyes. I laugh about how goofy she was or when I realize how much I am like her.

I am blogging about my fertility journey but I am realizing how much the cancer journey is intertwined with it. They are both a fight.... my mom fought for her life and I am fighting too. I am so proud of her for all she did and I know she would be proud of me too.

I named this blog Just keep swimming because Dory will always remind me of my mom and when she was sick we told her to Just keep swimming and she did as long as she could and so will I!

2 years

Today is October 5th 2009. Two years ago to the day my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was one of the worst and most exciting days of my adult life. ( As it was also the day my husband was offered a job locally and we realized we were not going to have to move to Texas!)

I am sitting in my bed writing this as I am sick again. My dad is thinking I have the swine flu but I am not so sure.

My life has changed so much in the last two years. I have now offically been on the cancer journey, We bought a house. I have gone through so much in fertility treatments, I sat in a hospital and watched and prayed for relief as my mother slipped away from us. Wow. What a crazy two years. I miss my mom today. I miss her every day but I really am missing her now. There have been moments ( a lot of them) where I really had a pity party for myself and cried over how unfair life is. I am 24 ( at least for a couple more days) years old, We have been TTC for nearly 3 years and I have been completly unsuccessful. My mom was taken from me 6 months ago, I can't seem to stay healthy, I could go on and on about how sad and pathetic I can make my life out to be..... BUT......

yes there is a but..... I was blessed with an amazing mother for 24 years of my life. I watch everyday as parents put their children on the back burner. I was never put on the back burner. I have been married for 5 glorious years to a wonderful man who would lasso the moon if I asked him to. I have a Terrific dad who worries about me and loves me more than I can fathom. I have a sister who is supportive of me and an awesome neice and two wonderful nephews whom I love so much! I am blessed, very blessed. I don't know if I am content in my life right now but I know how blessed I am. It has been two years, and I survived! God carried me through and I know he will carry me through as many years as he has laid out for me. It is because of him and all he has given me that I am able to Just keep swimming!

A month later......

So it has been about a month since the last time I posted and really nothing has changed. We met with the doctor about our options and we found that our options cost a lot of money. He had one more drug combonation for me to try before he thought we should do an IUI. I haven't started it yet but I think I am going to within the next week. I have been kind of avoiding starting the drugs because it feels so good to not be on them. I feel like myself and I don't feel crazy! But I know it will be worth it. I have to keep swimming and do it for my baby. My baby that I can't wait to meet, the baby that is out there somewhere, MY baby!
We have been frantically trying to get our finances under control so we would maybe be able to afford to have an IUI next year. We are starting to look into adoption to see what our options are there. They have this thing now called embryo adoption and that is very interesting to me. It is kind of expensive but the agency did say they have payment plans for every program they offer. God will give me a baby I know it! Pray for me as I start these drugs up again. It's going to be a long road but I know that when things get hard there will only be one set of footprints in the sand. God will carry me through this!

Disapointing news

So my last U.S. was very disapointing. It turns out my eggs have stalled out at the point they were at at the previous U.S.
The Doctor is meeting with us on Wednesday to discuss future plans. I am not looking forward to it. I don't know if we can afford much else. And if we can definalty not for awhile. I am trying not to jump to too many conclusions too soon but....I am not doing very well at it.

Things are totally crazy in my life right now and I know the stress is not helping. I don't know what to do about it though, I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't go to someone. To talk.

I am not crazy about the idea but I need to find an outlet for my stress. I wish it could be working out. LOL i am not a fan though!

I will update again after my appointment. I know there is a child out there for me. I don't know if they have already been born yet or not but I know they are out there!

Just keep swimming!

Ultra Sounds are just so much fun!

So it's been a week since my last update and in that time I have had two more ultrasounds and and whirlwind of feelings. So the u.s. last week showed an egg on my left ovary that looked promising but in the second u.s. showed that egg had decreased in size. So that was disapointing but it also showed that there was an egg on my right ovary that could grow to the right size. So to keep track of that one little egg i went in today for yet another ultrasound. The doctor had told me that if there wasn't any sign of growth we were going to have to sit down and talk about other options. I know a lot of the other options and i was not looking forward to them.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was so nervous that my ultrasound today would go bad. I am not ready to hear that it's just not going to happen. That has been my greatest fear through this whole thing. So anyways I went to the appointment and much to my surprise the egg had grown. Very slowly but it had grown. It wasn't the progress the doctor had really wanted but he was still pleased. He is having me come in again on thursday to check one more time. It is very encouraging that I might be ovulating just very late.

So hopefully the good Doctor is right and he really can predict when i ovulate! This could be the month!

Wish me luck!

Good news?

So I guess we got got good news today! I had an ultra sound to check the development of my eggs. The nurse that did it said that everything looked good and that there was definalty one egg that looked ready to go! She said I have a few days before ovulation and there was a chance the other eggs could catch up to the one that is maturing faster. She is said she has seen it before where they do that. It brought up a lot of discussion about what kind of descisions we might have to be making. It makes me wonder if I have been in this exact situation before and just not known it or is this new. Will it work this time? I am excited but also trying not to get too excited so it will be harder for me to be let down.

Ugh another day another delema!

I guess I will just keep swimming!

Why?

So tomorrow Bryan will call the doctor and find out what our next step is. We have been talking about it and we are thinking that we want to continue like this for a few more months and have me tested every month to see if I am still ovulating or not. That will help us decide a lot. Bryan is going to get re tested next month to see if his count is the same as what they saw at the begining of all of this. All of these things really take the romance out of trying to have a baby! I wish I knew exactally what God was thinking. It seems almost unfair but he knows better than I do. One thing is for sure we are definalty going to be prepared when we finally do have a baby! Thanks to my sister! There is a reason and I guess I don't have to know it.

I don't know the reason for why most things have happened but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I have a lot of questions, I want to know why my mom was taken from us when she was so young. I want to know why she didn't have a chance to meet my children. I want to know why I have to go through so much without her. I think the only thing i do know for sure is that she is much better off then I am. My friend told me the other day they think i haven't gotten pregnant yet because my mom is being a baby hog in heaven. It made me laugh because I could picture it. She was amazing and I miss her every minute of everyday. I think about her everytime I feel like crying, or everytime I smile. She is everywhere. I really miss her.

God is Good all the time and all the time God is good!

The reason for my blog title is because of my mom. Dory reminds me of my mom and she used to tell me to just keep swimming all the time. So now I say this.....Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swiming swimming swiming What do we do we swim swim swim!

HSG done!

So I did the HSG and everything went well. They were able to run the dye through my uturus and through my tubes. It was not a pleasant expirence but I made it through. The doctor said he gave me an A+!

Unfortunalty that also means that we are kind of at square one again. Dr. Bachus said that usually this can act as a flushing of the tubes too and that can encourage ovulation but he doesn't think it will really be benificial to me. My problem is more of an ovulation problem so it is going to take something different to get me pregnant. We didn't have time to discuss the next step witht the doctor today so I have to call Monday to figure that out.

I am increadibly tired of having no answers. It seems like everything i do doesn't work and every test i take is negative. This process is not supposed to be that hard. Sometimes I feel like less of a woman. I should be able to get pregnant that is how God designed me but aparently he didn't design me that way. That is what I am discovering. I just wish I understood what he was thinking!

It made me laugh today when I was at the surgery center trying to get into a very uncomfortable position on a bed to get ready for a very uncomfortable procedure. The nurse that was helping me told me that i reminded her of that song from finding nemo. She asked me what it was again and I said Just keep swimming. She said yeah Just keep swimming. Then she said something that I needed to hear. She said " I guess we all have to Just keep swimming sometimes". So I say it to you now.
Just keep swimming!

Something has got to work

The new dosage of clomid is not agreeing with me. I have had several migraines while on it and I have had no desire to do anything. I have tried not to let it get to me but sometimes I just can't help it. It's hard, I am tired.

I am starting to get nervous about my HSG test. I am not really worried about it hurting I am just a little afraid of what they will find. If they find nothing then we are right where we are now but with less options. If there is something then that alone is a little nerve wracking! There could be so many things wrong but a part of me wants them to find a blockage or something because then maybe i could get pregnant. Something has got to work!!

I am tired, I am worn out, but I am doing my best to Just keep swimming!

Ugh......

Well today is my first day on the 250 mg of clomid. Already I want to crawl out of my skin! I am trying to keep a grasp of myself but I feel as though I am being taken over by a monster of hormones and I can't control myself.

I was able to reschedule my appointment for the dye test for next friday. Usually you are not able to get in on such short notice but i have some awesome doctors and nurses working for me! It was great of them to get me in! I am not really looking forward to it but I know I am not doing all of this for nothing. I know God will bring me a baby! How is now the question..

I hope you all just keep swimming

Hurray?

So good news! My period did finally start today! It is however not early enough that I can get my dye test done but at least it started! It has been so frusterating feeling like this whole process is going back wards. I am vey glad at least my body will work with the medication, however annoying it might be!

Now I have clomid to look forward to. This dosage is higher than any i have ever taken and I am a bit nervous about it. This is a stressful time of year anyway I just hope I can make it through it with out complelty going crazy! I need prayer for the next few weeks. I need you to pray that my time on the clomid won't be too bad and that I will be able to reschedule the dye test without much problem~

Until then I hope you all will Just keep swimming!

Pray for me!

So things are not going well.....If I do not start my period by tomorrow i have to reschedule my dye test in a month! I have to be in a certain spot in my cycle and If I don't start I won't be there yet. God will take care of me I know it but I need you to pray!

Thanks

My God is so big!

I have realized lately that I have had a definant case of the blues. The last two years have been so hard and so tiring. I have noticed myself giving up.....giving up on babies.....giving up on all the things I have wanted for myself. It has been ahrd not to feel that way but I have decided to stop it! I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to stop worrying and I definalty want to stop stressing!

Will I? I don't know but I want to and I am trying to make it more of a mental thing. I am making the descision to hand over all of my problems to God. My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do! But there is plenty I can't do so I have to ask myself why am I trying to handle all of this on my own.

God is good and I know he will take care of me!

I hope you all can Just keep swimming!

Running out of possibilities

So i have scheduled my appoitment to get my tubes tested for blockages for August 7th. I am very anxious for it. Not necessarly because it is supossed to be uncomfortable but mainly because I am afraid it will show nothing. Before my problem was obvious. I didn't ovulate. It was clear and concise and i thought once that was fixed I would be pregnant. I was wrong. I wish it were that easy. Now this is all so frusterating because we have no clue why it's not working! If my tubes are blocked they are confident i will get pregnant soon but if they are not we are sitting in the same place i have been for the past 3 years! I know God will Bless me, I have a friend who has been trying to concieve for nearly 10 years and she has been wonderful to me through this whole process partly because she has been through it all herself. I am so happy to say that as I am writing this she is in a foreign country that I could not even begin to try and spell picking out her baby! I am so happy for her and her husband and the beautiful baby God picked for them!

I do not know in what way God will deliver my baby to me or if it will even be one baby! But i do know however he does it will exceed my expectations. It will be more than i could ever imagine! All good things are worth waiting for!

Pray for me as I am still waiting for my period to start this month and as I try and cope with the hormones I must take. Pray that I will be patient and that I will apreciate the life I have while I have it. Pray that God will prepare me for the changes he will bring to my life! Pray that I will be able to Just keep swimming!

No news

So I was trying to give myself some more time for my body to start working on it's own but aparently we are not on the same page about this. I go in Monday or tuesday to get a blood test to make sure that I really am not pregnant ( though I am pretty sure I am not) so I can start taking provera to jump start my period. On day 3 of my cycle I start taking the 250 mg of clomid for 5 days. I am not excited. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it IF it works. On August 7 I go in to take the dye test, which again I am not excited about. But I will keep swimming! I can do this and I can handle it!

In Church today my friend Nathan preached about hope. My dad came was there too and I was so happy to see him there. During the sermon he preached about how we all have trials but Hope is what gets us through it. God has made promises to us that are greater than anything we can imagine. That is my hope. Does it mean I will have biological kids....No it doesn't but it means he will take care of me. It means that I need to rejoice in the gifts I have been given and he will continue to be blessed. I am so blessed and I have so many things to hope for! Hope is a good thing, such a great gift!

So I will end this today with my favorite line!
Just keep swimming!!!

This is so expensive!

Well we talked to the fertiltiy doctor today to let her know that I have not had my period yet but the test I took last week was negative. Not only is this disapointing in the sense of I'm not pregnant but it also means my body has stopped cycling on it's own. Ugh!!! So annoying! I thought things were finally starting to work right but no of course not!

So I made an appoitment to get an HSG done which is an outpatient procedure that runs dye through my tubes to see if they are blocked. (Oh boy I can't wait! ) We are hoping the insurance covers that one. The doctor also said they are upping my dosage of clomid which I didn't even know they were willing to do. The last two months have been absolutly miserable on the dose I was on I can't even imagine how hard 50 mg more will be! If I cannot get pregnant on this my next option will be an IUI which is where they would use my egg and my husband sperm and try and create a baby inside me. Kinda takes the romance out of the whole thing doesn't it? Unfortunalty if this becomes a reality it can't be done until next year because of the cost. My husband just got a significant raise at work (praise God!!) But it is still out of our reach at the time. If this doesn't work we were informed we would have to move into the $10,000 range and that is just completly out of our range of possibility. So basically if I can't get pregnant with the first IUI......I probably won't be able to get pregnant. Harsh reality!

When we first sat down with the doctor and he showed us all of the possibilities before us I was so relieved to see how many options we had. But now I feel as though we are getting to the end of the list and my options and suddenly limited. I am not opposed to adoption in fact I plan on doing it someday anyway but I never really planned on it being my only choice. I always planned on things working out.

I guess that goes to show you that we are not the authors of our own stories. God has the pen and he is writing all the twists and turns in my book. The hardest part is letting him. But I guess if I had the choice to read something I wrote or something God wrote, I would choose him anyday. And that is exactally what I am doing. I am giving my pen to God!

Until next time I will Just keep swimming!

Day 2

So as nothing has changed in my long road of infertility since yesterday when I started this blog, I don't have much to say! However I have come to terms a little more about why I am doing this.

Multiple times since I started with my newest doctor I have been told to journal all of this. Well I haven't journeled since I was much younger so I didn't really want to keep a diary. But yesterday when I was reading my sisters blog "My not so everyday life" I realized this would be an oppertunity for me to "journal" and get feedback and support from others! So far it is working! So my favor I need from anyone who reads this is to help me out. If you have been through this or you know someone who has been through this pass it on. I don't know what I am doing and it has been emensly helpful for me to talk to others who have been through the same thing! I would really appreciate it! "Look to the Son and you shall feel his warmth"
Just keep Swimming!

Here it goes!

So I have never blogged before. I have never thought about blogging before. My sister is the blogger in our family, she has kept a blog of our cancer journey with my mom for the last two years. As I am writing this I am asking myself why in the world am I doing this. I am not a very interesting person. I don't have any kids, I work all day. What do I have to say? Well the answer is I don't know if anything I say will be interesting to any of you but I know it will make me feel better to journal this journey i am on.

So here it goes!

My name is Erin, I have been married to a wonderful man for nearly 5 years now! Time has flown! I have one sister and she has three beautiful and wonderful children. As I said my mom past away from a very long and curagious battle with pancreatic cancer in April of this year. My dad is amazing. He has been there for me through everything I have gone through. I work as a preschool teacher in my hometown. I love living here. This is where I want to raise my family someday!

And that brings me to why I write. I am on a journey. A journey with my husband, a journey of infertility. A journey of love, a journey of Faith!

I am 24 years old and all I have ever wanted to do is have kids. When I was 11 years old my cycle started just like it was supposed to but then it stopped. I learned when I was 14 that i had very irregular cycles and that things would be harder for me as i grew up. At the time it didn't mean much but I had one question for my doctor. Will I be able to have children? The only answer I recieved was we will cross that bridge when we get to it. I tried medication after medication after medication and I had no help. I would not cycle for sometimes up to a year and then when it came it would not stop for months. I lived a normal teenage life but I always had the question in my mind of wether or not I would be able to have children. However as my doctor had said it was not something i needed to worry about yet.

In October of 2004 I married my husband. We were young and we both knew that as soon as we were financially able we wanted to have children. In Janurary of 2007 I thought a miracle had happend when I had recieved my period for the second month in a row. My husband was due to graduate from CSU in may so we thought it a good time to start trying. I went to the doctor and she told me everything looked good and there was no reason not to try. After a year of no success I returned to the doctor for help. I knew at this point that my question was now valid. Can i have children? Still no answer. I was put on metformin to help regulate me and to encourage ovulation. I was then put on a combonation of metformin and clomid. I went on with this combo for another year. In Jan of 09 I was refered to a specialist. I am finally getting some encouragment from this doctor. He tells me my case is like that of many he has seen. He starts me on a low dose of clomid and tells me to get my blood tested every two weeks to check for a rise in my hormone levels. Unfortunalty this alone is a task. As they say at the lab I am "not a good stick"! It is painful and draining but i have gone. Then finally in March of 09 I have success they tell me that for the first time in my life I have ovulated! A glimmer of hope is felt! I am thanking God for giving the doctors the knowledge to help me! However the dosage I was on failed to help me get pregnant. It is now July of 2009. I have many tests left to do and many options still in front of me. I am still not pregnant but I have come to realize that this journey I have been on has brought me close to God and given me a true understanding of the power of my God! He has it all written out for us, when we will be born, when we will die. We are not meant to know his plans until it is his time. I am writing this blog for encouragment for either me or you. I am writing this to tell the world what God has taught me. I do not know if anyone will read this but that is ok! God will hear it and that is enough! My mom went through more than I could ever imagine having to bear. She had an amazing attitude towards life and I envied that so. When I would struggle she would give me encouragment and she would tell me to Just Keep Swimming!