So I had another negative pregnancy test, I am pretty bummed but right now I am just very anxious for 2010 to be here. I want to put this year behind me. We are saving money like crazy right now. We are doing our best to pay off our credit debt so we can put as much as we can into the IUI. This is going to be a great year, even if we don't get pregnant. We are moving on with our lives and living for what we have and not what we want.
Merry Christmas and may you be blessed with a terrrific 2010!~
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Merry Christmas
Christmas is just over a week away and I am struggling to find the Christmas spirit. This is my favorite time of year....usually. I am getting mad at myself for being such a scrooge lately. I have been spending a lot of time in my head lately, maybe even too much but I have been trying to discet my brain and figure out what is wrong with me. I have talked about before all of the blessings in my life and I remind myself daily how lucky I am. I don't want to take any of it for granted.
So this is totally scattered but this is how my mind is working right now so this is how it will be!
I am in a rut! Bryan and I were working and working on getting our life in order, we always had an excuse. First we were newly weds, then he was in school, then he had just graduated, then we had no money, then Bryan was just starting out at his new job.....and so on. Now what? What is it going to take to get our lives where we want them to be. So long ago I decided it was a baby that would fill the hole in my life but can I really sit around feeling like this anymore? It has been three years! If God has really intended for us to be parents he will show us how that is possible. I am working right now on figuring out what I can do now to help myself. I feel so distant from God and I know that isn't helping my hole. I went to church for the first time in a long time this week. I didn't want to but I am glad I did. I don't know if I am mad or numb or what it is but I just haven't wanted to go. It really felt good to be there.
I am hoping maybe reconnecting with some of my life I have abandoned will help me be happy where we are. Bryan and I have so much fun together but we have literally been waiting until we have a baby. We have planned everything in our lives for years around the face that I "might" be pregnant and wether or not I could do it pregnant. Some may call it being prepared but at this point it is just depressing. No more, next year for our anniversary we are going to Disneyland together. Could I be pregnant by then? Maybe, but that is something we will have to deal with when it comes. I am done waiting. I want to live my life the way things are now!
I can't spend the next ten years of my life in limbo waiting for the life I had planned for!
So a totally random blog but it feels really good to get that off my mind!
Merry Christmas to you all and I pray you will be blessed with the magic and warmth that Christmas can bring!
So this is totally scattered but this is how my mind is working right now so this is how it will be!
I am in a rut! Bryan and I were working and working on getting our life in order, we always had an excuse. First we were newly weds, then he was in school, then he had just graduated, then we had no money, then Bryan was just starting out at his new job.....and so on. Now what? What is it going to take to get our lives where we want them to be. So long ago I decided it was a baby that would fill the hole in my life but can I really sit around feeling like this anymore? It has been three years! If God has really intended for us to be parents he will show us how that is possible. I am working right now on figuring out what I can do now to help myself. I feel so distant from God and I know that isn't helping my hole. I went to church for the first time in a long time this week. I didn't want to but I am glad I did. I don't know if I am mad or numb or what it is but I just haven't wanted to go. It really felt good to be there.
I am hoping maybe reconnecting with some of my life I have abandoned will help me be happy where we are. Bryan and I have so much fun together but we have literally been waiting until we have a baby. We have planned everything in our lives for years around the face that I "might" be pregnant and wether or not I could do it pregnant. Some may call it being prepared but at this point it is just depressing. No more, next year for our anniversary we are going to Disneyland together. Could I be pregnant by then? Maybe, but that is something we will have to deal with when it comes. I am done waiting. I want to live my life the way things are now!
I can't spend the next ten years of my life in limbo waiting for the life I had planned for!
So a totally random blog but it feels really good to get that off my mind!
Merry Christmas to you all and I pray you will be blessed with the magic and warmth that Christmas can bring!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
another month
Well it has been another month since I last wrote and not much has changed. I finally did get brave enough to start my medication, and so far so good. It has made me just a little sick but nothing I can't manage. We have been making plans to try an IUI around next August if this try doesn't work.
My mom has been on my mind a lot lately, I have spent a lot of time trying not to think about her too much because it was just too hard. Lately however it has been helpful. Hard but helpful. Last sunday I attended our pastor appreciation lunch at our church, we have been very bad abou attending church since she died but I felt I needed to be at this lunch. They gave a chance for everyone to stand and say thanks to our Pastor and Youth Pastor for all they do and I had no intention of speaking....at all. However when they started speaking I felt as though I was pushed out of my chair and right onto the stage. Never have I wanted to run back to my seat so bad but I didn't, I stood in front of the microphone and looked my pastor in the eye and thanked him. I completly lost it but I thanked him, I told him how much she loved him and how much it meant to me that he was there with us everyday. I thanked him for saying such wonderful things about her to all of thoes people who came to pay their respects at her service. I never really thanked him before, it felt good to say it. I have often found myself reliving thoes 11 days in the hospital, each moment wondering if it would be the last. Holding my every breath as I watched another breath pass her lips, praying for God to take her and at the same time praying he wouldn't. I have to make myself remember more than that when thoes memories come around. I remember the trip we took to Breckenridge a year ago and even though she was sick it was wonderful. I remember her smell and the way her hand felt when it brushed my hair out of my eyes. I laugh about how goofy she was or when I realize how much I am like her.
I am blogging about my fertility journey but I am realizing how much the cancer journey is intertwined with it. They are both a fight.... my mom fought for her life and I am fighting too. I am so proud of her for all she did and I know she would be proud of me too.
I named this blog Just keep swimming because Dory will always remind me of my mom and when she was sick we told her to Just keep swimming and she did as long as she could and so will I!
My mom has been on my mind a lot lately, I have spent a lot of time trying not to think about her too much because it was just too hard. Lately however it has been helpful. Hard but helpful. Last sunday I attended our pastor appreciation lunch at our church, we have been very bad abou attending church since she died but I felt I needed to be at this lunch. They gave a chance for everyone to stand and say thanks to our Pastor and Youth Pastor for all they do and I had no intention of speaking....at all. However when they started speaking I felt as though I was pushed out of my chair and right onto the stage. Never have I wanted to run back to my seat so bad but I didn't, I stood in front of the microphone and looked my pastor in the eye and thanked him. I completly lost it but I thanked him, I told him how much she loved him and how much it meant to me that he was there with us everyday. I thanked him for saying such wonderful things about her to all of thoes people who came to pay their respects at her service. I never really thanked him before, it felt good to say it. I have often found myself reliving thoes 11 days in the hospital, each moment wondering if it would be the last. Holding my every breath as I watched another breath pass her lips, praying for God to take her and at the same time praying he wouldn't. I have to make myself remember more than that when thoes memories come around. I remember the trip we took to Breckenridge a year ago and even though she was sick it was wonderful. I remember her smell and the way her hand felt when it brushed my hair out of my eyes. I laugh about how goofy she was or when I realize how much I am like her.
I am blogging about my fertility journey but I am realizing how much the cancer journey is intertwined with it. They are both a fight.... my mom fought for her life and I am fighting too. I am so proud of her for all she did and I know she would be proud of me too.
I named this blog Just keep swimming because Dory will always remind me of my mom and when she was sick we told her to Just keep swimming and she did as long as she could and so will I!
Monday, October 5, 2009
2 years
Today is October 5th 2009. Two years ago to the day my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was one of the worst and most exciting days of my adult life. ( As it was also the day my husband was offered a job locally and we realized we were not going to have to move to Texas!)
I am sitting in my bed writing this as I am sick again. My dad is thinking I have the swine flu but I am not so sure.
My life has changed so much in the last two years. I have now offically been on the cancer journey, We bought a house. I have gone through so much in fertility treatments, I sat in a hospital and watched and prayed for relief as my mother slipped away from us. Wow. What a crazy two years. I miss my mom today. I miss her every day but I really am missing her now. There have been moments ( a lot of them) where I really had a pity party for myself and cried over how unfair life is. I am 24 ( at least for a couple more days) years old, We have been TTC for nearly 3 years and I have been completly unsuccessful. My mom was taken from me 6 months ago, I can't seem to stay healthy, I could go on and on about how sad and pathetic I can make my life out to be..... BUT......
yes there is a but..... I was blessed with an amazing mother for 24 years of my life. I watch everyday as parents put their children on the back burner. I was never put on the back burner. I have been married for 5 glorious years to a wonderful man who would lasso the moon if I asked him to. I have a Terrific dad who worries about me and loves me more than I can fathom. I have a sister who is supportive of me and an awesome neice and two wonderful nephews whom I love so much! I am blessed, very blessed. I don't know if I am content in my life right now but I know how blessed I am. It has been two years, and I survived! God carried me through and I know he will carry me through as many years as he has laid out for me. It is because of him and all he has given me that I am able to Just keep swimming!
I am sitting in my bed writing this as I am sick again. My dad is thinking I have the swine flu but I am not so sure.
My life has changed so much in the last two years. I have now offically been on the cancer journey, We bought a house. I have gone through so much in fertility treatments, I sat in a hospital and watched and prayed for relief as my mother slipped away from us. Wow. What a crazy two years. I miss my mom today. I miss her every day but I really am missing her now. There have been moments ( a lot of them) where I really had a pity party for myself and cried over how unfair life is. I am 24 ( at least for a couple more days) years old, We have been TTC for nearly 3 years and I have been completly unsuccessful. My mom was taken from me 6 months ago, I can't seem to stay healthy, I could go on and on about how sad and pathetic I can make my life out to be..... BUT......
yes there is a but..... I was blessed with an amazing mother for 24 years of my life. I watch everyday as parents put their children on the back burner. I was never put on the back burner. I have been married for 5 glorious years to a wonderful man who would lasso the moon if I asked him to. I have a Terrific dad who worries about me and loves me more than I can fathom. I have a sister who is supportive of me and an awesome neice and two wonderful nephews whom I love so much! I am blessed, very blessed. I don't know if I am content in my life right now but I know how blessed I am. It has been two years, and I survived! God carried me through and I know he will carry me through as many years as he has laid out for me. It is because of him and all he has given me that I am able to Just keep swimming!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
A month later......
So it has been about a month since the last time I posted and really nothing has changed. We met with the doctor about our options and we found that our options cost a lot of money. He had one more drug combonation for me to try before he thought we should do an IUI. I haven't started it yet but I think I am going to within the next week. I have been kind of avoiding starting the drugs because it feels so good to not be on them. I feel like myself and I don't feel crazy! But I know it will be worth it. I have to keep swimming and do it for my baby. My baby that I can't wait to meet, the baby that is out there somewhere, MY baby!
We have been frantically trying to get our finances under control so we would maybe be able to afford to have an IUI next year. We are starting to look into adoption to see what our options are there. They have this thing now called embryo adoption and that is very interesting to me. It is kind of expensive but the agency did say they have payment plans for every program they offer. God will give me a baby I know it! Pray for me as I start these drugs up again. It's going to be a long road but I know that when things get hard there will only be one set of footprints in the sand. God will carry me through this!
We have been frantically trying to get our finances under control so we would maybe be able to afford to have an IUI next year. We are starting to look into adoption to see what our options are there. They have this thing now called embryo adoption and that is very interesting to me. It is kind of expensive but the agency did say they have payment plans for every program they offer. God will give me a baby I know it! Pray for me as I start these drugs up again. It's going to be a long road but I know that when things get hard there will only be one set of footprints in the sand. God will carry me through this!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Disapointing news
So my last U.S. was very disapointing. It turns out my eggs have stalled out at the point they were at at the previous U.S.
The Doctor is meeting with us on Wednesday to discuss future plans. I am not looking forward to it. I don't know if we can afford much else. And if we can definalty not for awhile. I am trying not to jump to too many conclusions too soon but....I am not doing very well at it.
Things are totally crazy in my life right now and I know the stress is not helping. I don't know what to do about it though, I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't go to someone. To talk.
I am not crazy about the idea but I need to find an outlet for my stress. I wish it could be working out. LOL i am not a fan though!
I will update again after my appointment. I know there is a child out there for me. I don't know if they have already been born yet or not but I know they are out there!
Just keep swimming!
The Doctor is meeting with us on Wednesday to discuss future plans. I am not looking forward to it. I don't know if we can afford much else. And if we can definalty not for awhile. I am trying not to jump to too many conclusions too soon but....I am not doing very well at it.
Things are totally crazy in my life right now and I know the stress is not helping. I don't know what to do about it though, I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't go to someone. To talk.
I am not crazy about the idea but I need to find an outlet for my stress. I wish it could be working out. LOL i am not a fan though!
I will update again after my appointment. I know there is a child out there for me. I don't know if they have already been born yet or not but I know they are out there!
Just keep swimming!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Ultra Sounds are just so much fun!
So it's been a week since my last update and in that time I have had two more ultrasounds and and whirlwind of feelings. So the u.s. last week showed an egg on my left ovary that looked promising but in the second u.s. showed that egg had decreased in size. So that was disapointing but it also showed that there was an egg on my right ovary that could grow to the right size. So to keep track of that one little egg i went in today for yet another ultrasound. The doctor had told me that if there wasn't any sign of growth we were going to have to sit down and talk about other options. I know a lot of the other options and i was not looking forward to them.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was so nervous that my ultrasound today would go bad. I am not ready to hear that it's just not going to happen. That has been my greatest fear through this whole thing. So anyways I went to the appointment and much to my surprise the egg had grown. Very slowly but it had grown. It wasn't the progress the doctor had really wanted but he was still pleased. He is having me come in again on thursday to check one more time. It is very encouraging that I might be ovulating just very late.
So hopefully the good Doctor is right and he really can predict when i ovulate! This could be the month!
Wish me luck!
I didn't sleep well last night. I was so nervous that my ultrasound today would go bad. I am not ready to hear that it's just not going to happen. That has been my greatest fear through this whole thing. So anyways I went to the appointment and much to my surprise the egg had grown. Very slowly but it had grown. It wasn't the progress the doctor had really wanted but he was still pleased. He is having me come in again on thursday to check one more time. It is very encouraging that I might be ovulating just very late.
So hopefully the good Doctor is right and he really can predict when i ovulate! This could be the month!
Wish me luck!
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