Christmas is just over a week away and I am struggling to find the Christmas spirit. This is my favorite time of year....usually. I am getting mad at myself for being such a scrooge lately. I have been spending a lot of time in my head lately, maybe even too much but I have been trying to discet my brain and figure out what is wrong with me. I have talked about before all of the blessings in my life and I remind myself daily how lucky I am. I don't want to take any of it for granted.
So this is totally scattered but this is how my mind is working right now so this is how it will be!
I am in a rut! Bryan and I were working and working on getting our life in order, we always had an excuse. First we were newly weds, then he was in school, then he had just graduated, then we had no money, then Bryan was just starting out at his new job.....and so on. Now what? What is it going to take to get our lives where we want them to be. So long ago I decided it was a baby that would fill the hole in my life but can I really sit around feeling like this anymore? It has been three years! If God has really intended for us to be parents he will show us how that is possible. I am working right now on figuring out what I can do now to help myself. I feel so distant from God and I know that isn't helping my hole. I went to church for the first time in a long time this week. I didn't want to but I am glad I did. I don't know if I am mad or numb or what it is but I just haven't wanted to go. It really felt good to be there.
I am hoping maybe reconnecting with some of my life I have abandoned will help me be happy where we are. Bryan and I have so much fun together but we have literally been waiting until we have a baby. We have planned everything in our lives for years around the face that I "might" be pregnant and wether or not I could do it pregnant. Some may call it being prepared but at this point it is just depressing. No more, next year for our anniversary we are going to Disneyland together. Could I be pregnant by then? Maybe, but that is something we will have to deal with when it comes. I am done waiting. I want to live my life the way things are now!
I can't spend the next ten years of my life in limbo waiting for the life I had planned for!
So a totally random blog but it feels really good to get that off my mind!
Merry Christmas to you all and I pray you will be blessed with the magic and warmth that Christmas can bring!
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Well!I am glad you got it off your chest! :) Your hole cannot be filled by anything but Jesus. A baby will fill it... but only for a minute. Then the hole will come back and you will feel empty once again. I am sorry you are struggling, but I think you are right. Keep living your life, love Jesus, enjoy your FAMILY, enjoy your job, we know so well it goes by sooo quickly. A baby will come, in whatever way it is supposed to, when it is supposed to. I know the wait is hard, but you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. You are stronger than you know.
ReplyDeleteRomans 5:3
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Love you, and I am always praying for you.
And by the way, I really like your new background!