another month

Well it has been another month since I last wrote and not much has changed. I finally did get brave enough to start my medication, and so far so good. It has made me just a little sick but nothing I can't manage. We have been making plans to try an IUI around next August if this try doesn't work.

My mom has been on my mind a lot lately, I have spent a lot of time trying not to think about her too much because it was just too hard. Lately however it has been helpful. Hard but helpful. Last sunday I attended our pastor appreciation lunch at our church, we have been very bad abou attending church since she died but I felt I needed to be at this lunch. They gave a chance for everyone to stand and say thanks to our Pastor and Youth Pastor for all they do and I had no intention of speaking....at all. However when they started speaking I felt as though I was pushed out of my chair and right onto the stage. Never have I wanted to run back to my seat so bad but I didn't, I stood in front of the microphone and looked my pastor in the eye and thanked him. I completly lost it but I thanked him, I told him how much she loved him and how much it meant to me that he was there with us everyday. I thanked him for saying such wonderful things about her to all of thoes people who came to pay their respects at her service. I never really thanked him before, it felt good to say it. I have often found myself reliving thoes 11 days in the hospital, each moment wondering if it would be the last. Holding my every breath as I watched another breath pass her lips, praying for God to take her and at the same time praying he wouldn't. I have to make myself remember more than that when thoes memories come around. I remember the trip we took to Breckenridge a year ago and even though she was sick it was wonderful. I remember her smell and the way her hand felt when it brushed my hair out of my eyes. I laugh about how goofy she was or when I realize how much I am like her.

I am blogging about my fertility journey but I am realizing how much the cancer journey is intertwined with it. They are both a fight.... my mom fought for her life and I am fighting too. I am so proud of her for all she did and I know she would be proud of me too.

I named this blog Just keep swimming because Dory will always remind me of my mom and when she was sick we told her to Just keep swimming and she did as long as she could and so will I!

2 years

Today is October 5th 2009. Two years ago to the day my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was one of the worst and most exciting days of my adult life. ( As it was also the day my husband was offered a job locally and we realized we were not going to have to move to Texas!)

I am sitting in my bed writing this as I am sick again. My dad is thinking I have the swine flu but I am not so sure.

My life has changed so much in the last two years. I have now offically been on the cancer journey, We bought a house. I have gone through so much in fertility treatments, I sat in a hospital and watched and prayed for relief as my mother slipped away from us. Wow. What a crazy two years. I miss my mom today. I miss her every day but I really am missing her now. There have been moments ( a lot of them) where I really had a pity party for myself and cried over how unfair life is. I am 24 ( at least for a couple more days) years old, We have been TTC for nearly 3 years and I have been completly unsuccessful. My mom was taken from me 6 months ago, I can't seem to stay healthy, I could go on and on about how sad and pathetic I can make my life out to be..... BUT......

yes there is a but..... I was blessed with an amazing mother for 24 years of my life. I watch everyday as parents put their children on the back burner. I was never put on the back burner. I have been married for 5 glorious years to a wonderful man who would lasso the moon if I asked him to. I have a Terrific dad who worries about me and loves me more than I can fathom. I have a sister who is supportive of me and an awesome neice and two wonderful nephews whom I love so much! I am blessed, very blessed. I don't know if I am content in my life right now but I know how blessed I am. It has been two years, and I survived! God carried me through and I know he will carry me through as many years as he has laid out for me. It is because of him and all he has given me that I am able to Just keep swimming!

A month later......

So it has been about a month since the last time I posted and really nothing has changed. We met with the doctor about our options and we found that our options cost a lot of money. He had one more drug combonation for me to try before he thought we should do an IUI. I haven't started it yet but I think I am going to within the next week. I have been kind of avoiding starting the drugs because it feels so good to not be on them. I feel like myself and I don't feel crazy! But I know it will be worth it. I have to keep swimming and do it for my baby. My baby that I can't wait to meet, the baby that is out there somewhere, MY baby!
We have been frantically trying to get our finances under control so we would maybe be able to afford to have an IUI next year. We are starting to look into adoption to see what our options are there. They have this thing now called embryo adoption and that is very interesting to me. It is kind of expensive but the agency did say they have payment plans for every program they offer. God will give me a baby I know it! Pray for me as I start these drugs up again. It's going to be a long road but I know that when things get hard there will only be one set of footprints in the sand. God will carry me through this!

Disapointing news

So my last U.S. was very disapointing. It turns out my eggs have stalled out at the point they were at at the previous U.S.
The Doctor is meeting with us on Wednesday to discuss future plans. I am not looking forward to it. I don't know if we can afford much else. And if we can definalty not for awhile. I am trying not to jump to too many conclusions too soon but....I am not doing very well at it.

Things are totally crazy in my life right now and I know the stress is not helping. I don't know what to do about it though, I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't go to someone. To talk.

I am not crazy about the idea but I need to find an outlet for my stress. I wish it could be working out. LOL i am not a fan though!

I will update again after my appointment. I know there is a child out there for me. I don't know if they have already been born yet or not but I know they are out there!

Just keep swimming!

Ultra Sounds are just so much fun!

So it's been a week since my last update and in that time I have had two more ultrasounds and and whirlwind of feelings. So the u.s. last week showed an egg on my left ovary that looked promising but in the second u.s. showed that egg had decreased in size. So that was disapointing but it also showed that there was an egg on my right ovary that could grow to the right size. So to keep track of that one little egg i went in today for yet another ultrasound. The doctor had told me that if there wasn't any sign of growth we were going to have to sit down and talk about other options. I know a lot of the other options and i was not looking forward to them.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was so nervous that my ultrasound today would go bad. I am not ready to hear that it's just not going to happen. That has been my greatest fear through this whole thing. So anyways I went to the appointment and much to my surprise the egg had grown. Very slowly but it had grown. It wasn't the progress the doctor had really wanted but he was still pleased. He is having me come in again on thursday to check one more time. It is very encouraging that I might be ovulating just very late.

So hopefully the good Doctor is right and he really can predict when i ovulate! This could be the month!

Wish me luck!

Good news?

So I guess we got got good news today! I had an ultra sound to check the development of my eggs. The nurse that did it said that everything looked good and that there was definalty one egg that looked ready to go! She said I have a few days before ovulation and there was a chance the other eggs could catch up to the one that is maturing faster. She is said she has seen it before where they do that. It brought up a lot of discussion about what kind of descisions we might have to be making. It makes me wonder if I have been in this exact situation before and just not known it or is this new. Will it work this time? I am excited but also trying not to get too excited so it will be harder for me to be let down.

Ugh another day another delema!

I guess I will just keep swimming!

Why?

So tomorrow Bryan will call the doctor and find out what our next step is. We have been talking about it and we are thinking that we want to continue like this for a few more months and have me tested every month to see if I am still ovulating or not. That will help us decide a lot. Bryan is going to get re tested next month to see if his count is the same as what they saw at the begining of all of this. All of these things really take the romance out of trying to have a baby! I wish I knew exactally what God was thinking. It seems almost unfair but he knows better than I do. One thing is for sure we are definalty going to be prepared when we finally do have a baby! Thanks to my sister! There is a reason and I guess I don't have to know it.

I don't know the reason for why most things have happened but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I have a lot of questions, I want to know why my mom was taken from us when she was so young. I want to know why she didn't have a chance to meet my children. I want to know why I have to go through so much without her. I think the only thing i do know for sure is that she is much better off then I am. My friend told me the other day they think i haven't gotten pregnant yet because my mom is being a baby hog in heaven. It made me laugh because I could picture it. She was amazing and I miss her every minute of everyday. I think about her everytime I feel like crying, or everytime I smile. She is everywhere. I really miss her.

God is Good all the time and all the time God is good!

The reason for my blog title is because of my mom. Dory reminds me of my mom and she used to tell me to just keep swimming all the time. So now I say this.....Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swiming swimming swiming What do we do we swim swim swim!