Prayer warriors!

Ok so when I went to the doctor today they told me that my egg that they saw that was ready hasn't passed from my ovary yet. This is ok but it means I had to get an HCG shot to encourage the egg to move on! So I got got the shot and now I have to go in tomorrow ( Saturday) and on Sunday to actually do the inseminsation. I will have to wait to find out if it works just like everyone else. In a couple weeks when aunt flow is supposed to show, if she doesn't then I get a blood test and if she does then well we will try again. I am very excited but don't worry I am totally aware that we might have to do this again. I am just so thankful that my hope has been restored. I have been in such a bad place lately, and God knew that and he gave me my hope back! Keep praying for Bryan and I. It is going to be a long couple of weeks but we will make it though together! Thanks!

God is good!

Well we can pretty much all ignore my last post at this point. I had pretty much given up any hope of getting pregnant (or even ovulating for that matter) without some serious drugs. The point I am at now is just a starting off point so the meds won't make me too sick but I have had some serious doubts wether or not it's even worth it....
Well let me tell you.....IT IS!!!

I went to my doc on Wed and I was pleasantly surprised, I am ovulating! For the first time in my life I am working correctly! There is one egg, one beautiful perfect egg ready to go and tomorrow I go in to see if it has done it's job. If it has and it has been released from my ovary they are going to inseminate me! woo hoo! If it's not ready they are going to give me a dose of HCG which in turn will release my egg, then I can go in on Saturday to be inseminated! So either way we are giving it our best shot this weekend!

Oh I am so nervous, this could be it. It only has to take one time. It might take more but this really could be it! I am praying so hard, Lord let your will be done!

This is also a blessing for us finanacially, because I haven't had to use the injectibles like we thought it is a fraction of the cost that we expected. Thus if it doesn't work we are going to be able to afford to try this multiple times! Praise the Lord oh my soul Praise the Lord!

Pray for me tomorrow and for the next month, it is going to be a very long month waiting to find out wether or not this has worked, pray for patience and pray that if this is the month when God will bless Bryan and I with our baby that he will cradle that baby and protect it from harm!

whew deep breath now and I am off Pray hard for me and Bryan!

The penny pinching has begun!

After much planning Bryan and I have figured out how to save for the IUI we are going to do this September. It is a grand total of 6,000 and we definalty don't have that much lying around. It is going to take a lot of skimping on our part but I know we can do it. This is also going to take a lot of creativity on our part to find new things to do without spending extra money. While trying to be creative we thought it might be a good idea to spend more time working out, so with our last bit of spending cash for 2009 we bought a new excercise bike so that is what 2010 will be about for me. It's not a resolution cause thoes are always broken. It's a promise to myself and not only will I feel better about myself I will hopefully end a nasty cycle! Bryan and I have talked about trying to renew our vows for our 15th wedding anniversary in some tropical setting and I don't want to do that feeling the way I feel about myself...So I am changing!

2010 is about so much, it's about finding my place in this world. Praying about my purpose, praying for my heart, It's about so much and I am so excited to put 2009 behind me and Welcome this new year full of promise and excitement!

Through it all I will definalty keep swimming~

disapointment at Christmas

So I had another negative pregnancy test, I am pretty bummed but right now I am just very anxious for 2010 to be here. I want to put this year behind me. We are saving money like crazy right now. We are doing our best to pay off our credit debt so we can put as much as we can into the IUI. This is going to be a great year, even if we don't get pregnant. We are moving on with our lives and living for what we have and not what we want.

Merry Christmas and may you be blessed with a terrrific 2010!~

Merry Christmas

Christmas is just over a week away and I am struggling to find the Christmas spirit. This is my favorite time of year....usually. I am getting mad at myself for being such a scrooge lately. I have been spending a lot of time in my head lately, maybe even too much but I have been trying to discet my brain and figure out what is wrong with me. I have talked about before all of the blessings in my life and I remind myself daily how lucky I am. I don't want to take any of it for granted.

So this is totally scattered but this is how my mind is working right now so this is how it will be!

I am in a rut! Bryan and I were working and working on getting our life in order, we always had an excuse. First we were newly weds, then he was in school, then he had just graduated, then we had no money, then Bryan was just starting out at his new job.....and so on. Now what? What is it going to take to get our lives where we want them to be. So long ago I decided it was a baby that would fill the hole in my life but can I really sit around feeling like this anymore? It has been three years! If God has really intended for us to be parents he will show us how that is possible. I am working right now on figuring out what I can do now to help myself. I feel so distant from God and I know that isn't helping my hole. I went to church for the first time in a long time this week. I didn't want to but I am glad I did. I don't know if I am mad or numb or what it is but I just haven't wanted to go. It really felt good to be there.

I am hoping maybe reconnecting with some of my life I have abandoned will help me be happy where we are. Bryan and I have so much fun together but we have literally been waiting until we have a baby. We have planned everything in our lives for years around the face that I "might" be pregnant and wether or not I could do it pregnant. Some may call it being prepared but at this point it is just depressing. No more, next year for our anniversary we are going to Disneyland together. Could I be pregnant by then? Maybe, but that is something we will have to deal with when it comes. I am done waiting. I want to live my life the way things are now!

I can't spend the next ten years of my life in limbo waiting for the life I had planned for!

So a totally random blog but it feels really good to get that off my mind!

Merry Christmas to you all and I pray you will be blessed with the magic and warmth that Christmas can bring!

another month

Well it has been another month since I last wrote and not much has changed. I finally did get brave enough to start my medication, and so far so good. It has made me just a little sick but nothing I can't manage. We have been making plans to try an IUI around next August if this try doesn't work.

My mom has been on my mind a lot lately, I have spent a lot of time trying not to think about her too much because it was just too hard. Lately however it has been helpful. Hard but helpful. Last sunday I attended our pastor appreciation lunch at our church, we have been very bad abou attending church since she died but I felt I needed to be at this lunch. They gave a chance for everyone to stand and say thanks to our Pastor and Youth Pastor for all they do and I had no intention of speaking....at all. However when they started speaking I felt as though I was pushed out of my chair and right onto the stage. Never have I wanted to run back to my seat so bad but I didn't, I stood in front of the microphone and looked my pastor in the eye and thanked him. I completly lost it but I thanked him, I told him how much she loved him and how much it meant to me that he was there with us everyday. I thanked him for saying such wonderful things about her to all of thoes people who came to pay their respects at her service. I never really thanked him before, it felt good to say it. I have often found myself reliving thoes 11 days in the hospital, each moment wondering if it would be the last. Holding my every breath as I watched another breath pass her lips, praying for God to take her and at the same time praying he wouldn't. I have to make myself remember more than that when thoes memories come around. I remember the trip we took to Breckenridge a year ago and even though she was sick it was wonderful. I remember her smell and the way her hand felt when it brushed my hair out of my eyes. I laugh about how goofy she was or when I realize how much I am like her.

I am blogging about my fertility journey but I am realizing how much the cancer journey is intertwined with it. They are both a fight.... my mom fought for her life and I am fighting too. I am so proud of her for all she did and I know she would be proud of me too.

I named this blog Just keep swimming because Dory will always remind me of my mom and when she was sick we told her to Just keep swimming and she did as long as she could and so will I!

2 years

Today is October 5th 2009. Two years ago to the day my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was one of the worst and most exciting days of my adult life. ( As it was also the day my husband was offered a job locally and we realized we were not going to have to move to Texas!)

I am sitting in my bed writing this as I am sick again. My dad is thinking I have the swine flu but I am not so sure.

My life has changed so much in the last two years. I have now offically been on the cancer journey, We bought a house. I have gone through so much in fertility treatments, I sat in a hospital and watched and prayed for relief as my mother slipped away from us. Wow. What a crazy two years. I miss my mom today. I miss her every day but I really am missing her now. There have been moments ( a lot of them) where I really had a pity party for myself and cried over how unfair life is. I am 24 ( at least for a couple more days) years old, We have been TTC for nearly 3 years and I have been completly unsuccessful. My mom was taken from me 6 months ago, I can't seem to stay healthy, I could go on and on about how sad and pathetic I can make my life out to be..... BUT......

yes there is a but..... I was blessed with an amazing mother for 24 years of my life. I watch everyday as parents put their children on the back burner. I was never put on the back burner. I have been married for 5 glorious years to a wonderful man who would lasso the moon if I asked him to. I have a Terrific dad who worries about me and loves me more than I can fathom. I have a sister who is supportive of me and an awesome neice and two wonderful nephews whom I love so much! I am blessed, very blessed. I don't know if I am content in my life right now but I know how blessed I am. It has been two years, and I survived! God carried me through and I know he will carry me through as many years as he has laid out for me. It is because of him and all he has given me that I am able to Just keep swimming!