Just keep Swimming

here we are 5 Months later

2011-03-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

Well as you may have guessed, I did have my baby! He was born 2 weeks after his due date and almost two days after they induced me. It was a long couple of days and with very little progress we went ahead and continued on with a c-section. I wasn't afraid of a c-section mostly because I had seen my sister go through it 4 times and I knew it wasn't the end of the world and the most important thing was getting my baby out safely.

Brendan James was born on October 27th at 11:48 pm. It was a very overwhelming expirence, He was 7lbs 14.5 oz and 21 in long. He is perfect! He is just shy of 5 months old now and I can't believe how much he has changed! It just blows my mind to watch him learn and develop everyday~

I have always wanted to be able to stay at home and I am so thankful that my wonderful husband works so hard so I am able to do so. I am so blessed! I love seeing all of his firsts, his first smile, his first laugh, his first time to roll over.... there have already been so many!
I can't wait for what's to come. I haven't had much time to update my blog, (mostly because Brendan demands a lot of time) I am hoping his napping will improve soon so I will have a little more free time. :)

Just keep swimming my friends!

One week left!

2010-10-06T15:29:00.001-07:00

So here I am just about 39 weeks pregnant and very anxious for the big day! Next week is going to be a busy, crazy, exciting week. On top of thursday being my due date. Wednesday is my birthday! And then to top it all off Saturday is Bryan and my 6th wedding anniversary! This will be the first year of many busy weeks in october!

Well today I went to the doctor for my weekly checkup and they noticed that for several weeks in a row my blood pressure was elevated and that I was having continued swelling in my feet and my hands. Today was the first time anything had been mentioned to me about any of it being a concern but they did suggest that I was displaying early signs of pre-eclampsia. As of now I have not been diagnosed with anything but it is something they want to watch me for. This can be a very serious condiditon and bad for me and baby but they were also able to check me and he was pleased to see that I am in a good sitiation for being induced if it comes to that. Thankfully this has presented itself when I am plenty far along to deliver and the health of the baby once delivered is not a concern. This could be very terrifying if I were not as far as I am. Praise God. So I go back in on Friday afternoon (2 days away) to see if I am still showing the same signs I have been and until I have heard otherwise I am on modified bed rest. Meaning I can move around but I pretty much need to be lying down at least half of the day. Good thing it won't be for very long cause I am getting pretty restless!

I will re-post when I know more!
Thanks for your prayers and I hope you all keep swimming!

36 weeks

2010-09-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

Well I am now 36 weeks along and sooo excited! I cannot wait to meet this little one. It is still so surreal to me where all of this started. I haven't just waited 9 months for this baby I have waited 3 years and 9 months. God has taken me on quite the journey, from thinking that it may never be possible for me to concieve to having possibility after possibility taken from me until I gave up. Then when I had completly given up all hope that I would ever be a mother my doctor presented Bryan and I with a drug combonation we had not tried. I didn't think it would work. I was angry and I had given up but I had promised that I would try anything we could so I did.

When Bryan called me and told me he had spoken with the doctor and I had ovulated, he may as well have told me I was pregnant already. I was so extatic. It was as if every dream I had had taken away from me was restored. It was all possible again. My family I had dreampt about over and over would become real. I couldn't believe it. We got into the doctor the next month every other day and watched for my eggs and as soon as my body was ready we opted to do an insemenation. We were completly prepared to do it as many times as necessary but then a couple of weeks later Bryan picked me up from work, took me to do a blood test and then that evening he picked me up from work with a onesie we had made. How many men get to tell their wives they are pregnant. It was quite the expirence! I love that he was able to do that. I love that it worked and I love that here we are 9 months later ready to have a baby! I am sooo blessed~

I am excited to become a mother and hold my precious little baby for the first time. Thank you to all who have prayed for me and supported me through this increadible journey. I hope that you all will continue to pray and support me through my next journey of motherhood!

Just keep swimming my friends!

34 weeks

2010-09-07T17:25:00.000-07:00

Well I am now 34 1/2 weeks along and getting sooo ready to see this baby! I wonder so much if it's a boy or a girl. If he/she will look more like me or Bryan. I am just so curious to meet this baby inside of me!

So far everything has been going pretty well with the pregnancy. However at my last appoitment the doctor mentioned that he had noticed a pattern of me measuring bigger than I am supposed to be. It started off pretty minor but last time it was up to 3 cm bigger. So basically I am measuring full term even though I am still only 34 weeks. So they decided that at my next appoitment they would measure me again and if it still looks like I am measuring big they will do another ultra sound to see for sure what is going on. If this baby is as big as they think then they will want to talk to me about inducing a little early to prevent a difficult delivery. I suppose that would be the lesser of two evils. I have never known anyone who was induced who didn't have a difficult delivery but I also don't want to risk having to have a c-section because I can't deliver a large baby. So I go in on the 16th for my next appoitment and we will know a lot more then.
It should be interesting either way!

Otherwise I am sore and tired and ready for this baby! I am doing my best to just keep swimming!

12 1/2 weeks~

2010-07-20T18:04:00.000-07:00

So I am 27 weeks pregnant now and I am getting so excited~ We are working hard getting the nursery ready and slowing gathering a few things we may need.. ;) I am really hoping these next 12 and a half weeks go fast. We still have lots to do to be totally ready for our little one but I can't wait to meet him or her. I am very excited to say that we have finally decided on names! After much debate ( mostly on my part) we ( I) settled on a boy and a girls name! However...we are keeping these names secret. You will all find out what we are having and what their name is after the big arrival in October! Yeah! I love surprises, I hope you all do too! :)

Overall I don't know if I can say I have loved pregnancy, I have never been so tired in all my life and I could have seriously done without the sickness but right now I love feeling the movement. It is so crazy to look down and see my stomach move! It is so crazy!! In fact the computer is bumping as we speak LOL! I am happy to be on this journey and I can't wait until I get to enter the world of motherhood full throttle~!

Just keep swimming my friends!

22 weeks!

2010-06-11T16:23:00.000-07:00

So wow, it has been like forever since my last post! I am now 22 weeks pregnant and getting bigger everyday. I have batttled morning sickness, virtigo, the headaches, swollen feet and hands and now the backaches but it is all so worth it everytime I feel that little wiggle in my tummy. It is so exciting to now feel the baby move!

Unfortunalty there is not much to update right now, I had my middle ultrasound when I was 19 weeks and we managed to not find out what it is we are having. So we will all have to hold on and wait around 18 more weeks till the big debut~ There is a lot of talk, so far thoughts of boys have won out amongst friends and family but there are a few girl wishers left in there too. I like hearing from people what they think I am having. Bryan says boy for sure and I have gone back and forth. I do think I picture the baby as a boy more than a do a girl but I like to try and think about the possibility of both :)

So I will try and keep everyone posted on my progress for the duration of my pregnancy and we will see if I can keep up on this blog after the arrival! So excited it's coming closer!

Just keep swimming my friends!

10 +

2010-03-23T13:56:00.001-07:00

So I am 10 and a half weeks and every check up has gone absolutly perfect. My little girl/ guy is growing like a weed and that is actually becoming the scource of my pain. Aparently the baby is at the point where he/she doesn't really fit in my pelvis anymore but hasn't quite moved up to my abdomen, which is why I have been having so much cramping. At my ultrasound today they said that it really looked great, he/she is moving around like crazy doing kicks and rubbing his/her eyes. It was amazing to see, and it was a huge relief. Unfortuanlty it wasn't all good news, the baby itself is fine and that is good but the placenta is in a really bad position. It's called Praevia. It takes place when the placenta is directly over the birth canal, right now this really doesn't mean anything but later on in the pregnancy if it doesn't move it means that It could cause a lot of bleeding and a lot of problems if I tried to deliver vaginally. So we are going to keep a close eye on it throughout the pregnancy and if necessary we will schedule a c-section ahead of time as to not risk any un needed complications at delivery time.

I am relieved to know that my precious little baby is growing and developing so perfectly! He/she is only about two inches long but has the most precious little arms and legs and you could see ears and hips and....oh it was amazing! God is protecting us! I am so happy about it!

2 months

2010-03-07T19:43:00.000-08:00

Well here I am 8 weeks along and things are going great. My doctor has me coming in every two weeks for an ultrasound to continue to watch my progress. He is continually using the word " perfect". I couldn't ask for a better word to hear! At my last US I was 7 weeks and we got the wonderful chance to see the perfect little flutter of a heart beat. At first I felt like Rachael on Friends not having any clue what I was looking at but then I saw it. It was so great. It was just a little flutter but it was perfect! It is my baby! I go in again on the 11th which will put me just shy of 9 weeks. I am so excited to see the heartbeat again. It should be even clearer this time too!

I am trying to read about my baby as much as I can. Last week I refered to my baby as our little blueberry and now we have a cute little rasberry! He/She is so tiny and so fragile. I am so in love!

I am so tired all the time and Bryan has been nothing short of amazing! I am anxious to get some of my energy back and getting a little more productive. We are keeping ourselves busy deciding what to do with the nursery and thinking about the ever so important job of naming this little one! What pressure! LOL

I am already anxious to meet our precious bundle of joy, I just know it's going to be a very long 7 months! But I want to enjoy every minute!

Almost 6 weeks

2010-02-17T18:58:00.000-08:00

So it has been brought to my attention that I haven't posted since I have f0und out that we were expecting. So here it goes....

I am almost 6 weeks along and things are going great! I was expirencing some pains so I went into the doctor and he wanted to do an ultrasound. At just over 4 weeks I had my first ultrasound.They were slightly concerned of an eptopic pregnancy but so far everything was pointing to a no. They had me come back in 4 days later because they were unable to see everything they wanted. So that monday I went back and they did another ultrasound. This time they were able to see the gestational sac in my uterus. This was terrific news! They were also able to see what they called the fetal pole, which is basically the begining signs of our baby! So far he/she is about a milimeter long. So tiny and so perfect! We couldn't be happier! The Doctor also mentioned that he was pretty sure he saw a flicker of a heartbeat but not enough to prove it to us. So we get to go back on the 26th to try and see the heartbeat for ourselves! We are so blessed to have this chance! It has been such a long road and I just couldn't be any happier! Thank you for your prayers, keep it up we have a long 7 1/2 months to go!

WOW!!!

2010-02-09T20:03:00.000-08:00

Holy Cow! It worked, it actually worked! I am Pregnant! I am actually pregnant! I am 5 weeks along ( and though I have not actually been to the doctor yet I know when the conception took place so I do know pretty much my due date) :) So mark your calendars my friends on or around October 15th 2010 Bryan and I will become parents! This has been an if for so long and a struggle for 3 years that I can't believe it's here! I am just so happy! God is so good!

I really want to thank everyone for praying for me and thinking of me and lifting me up through this time. It's been so hard but I have said all along it would be worth it and just knowing there is this perfect little life inside of me ( the size of an orange seed to be exact) It really is worth it!

I don't know if I could be any happier right now but I have to tell you I am missing my mom something awful. No matter who I tell I feel like I am missing out on getting to share this with her. I love my family and they have been unbelievable but no one can do what she can for me
I know she knows though and she has already kissed this precious little baby and sent him/her down to me on earth but It's harder thought it would be. Still I know she would want me to enjoy every second of this so I will!
Katie and I get to be pregnant together! This could get interesting but she is such great support to me. It's what I have always wanted. And our kids will be really close together! Like within two months of each other.

Thanks again my friends! I am so happy!

Tomorrow is the big day!

2010-02-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

So today is day 31 of my cycle. This means that according to my good doctor my aunt flow should have shown up around day 28! Still no signs of her very unwanted visit so tomorrow I go in for my blood test! My hope is to get it done early enough in the day where I can find out the results tomorrow as well. From what Dr. Bachus said there is no reason for my period not to show other than me being preggo! I had to question him on this because well my period is never on time and is never normal but aparently if you ovulate it always shows up the next month! Who knew? LOL

So I am feeling good today, nervous, anxious, excited ( trying to not be too excited) So many emotions going through me right now it's crazy! This really could be the month!

Our plan however is that if we get the call tomorrow giving us good news we are not going to tell anyone else until we get the change to formally tell our famlies! So if you call one of us monday night or ask on facebook we won't answer! Sorry, but I will post on Tuesday as early as I can to let everyone who has been praying for us know how it goes!

Keep praying!

Patience, i need patience!

2010-01-27T15:53:00.000-08:00

Wow! Who knew two weeks could take so long? I am very anxious and I am trying so hard not to be. I am now realizing how much time I spend at home, even when I am cleaning or cooking or trying to keep busy I can't seem to distract myself. Usually I love being at home but I am finding myself anxious to go out and get distracted!

I need lots of prayer. If the IUI worked it will be such a blessing and such a God thing! I have tried planning when I would get pregnant so many times and I find it rather hilarious that it was now that God chose to have me ovulate. If it worked I will be due in Oct. Not the best month. When I planned it, it was at the end of the school year and I wouldn't have to leave my kiddos at work mid year.... if this worked I will have to be pregnant through the summer which means NO SOFTBALL! Never in a million years would I have planned that. All of these reasons and many more really reassure me that God is in control of this and that is so awesome! His timing is never what I plan... probably for a reason I know.

Pray hard my friends! It's been less than a week and I am going a wee bit crazy!!!

hurry up and wait!

2010-01-24T12:10:00.000-08:00

ok well I got my last insemination today, we figured out that there is a grand total of about 22,000,000 little swimmers all looking for my one little egg. Now we just have to pray that one of thoes 22,000,000 will find it's way. It seems like pretty good chances to me and even my doctor said that my egg doesn't stand a chance against all thoes swimmers! Now to give everyone a little perspecitve on what I am talking about is we were told that a lot of times when they do this procedure they are dealing with no more than 1,000,000 so they are thinking our odds are pretty good.

So now that the inseminations are over we get to just hurry up and wait. What does that mean you ask? Well we do nothing for the next two weeks. I do everything as though I am pregnant then if Aunt Flow makes her grand appearance we try again. But if she doesn't we call the doc and get a blood test. My doctor did say though that if AF didn't come he was pretty confident that that means I am preggo! He felt very good about it and so do we. We know that we may have to do this again but that is ok. God is good and he has lifted my spirits and given me hope!

Pray for Bryan and I ( and our whole family) these next two weeks. I need all prayer warriors to pray for patience for us, pray for peace in our hearts if it is not in God's plan for me to get pregnant this month. Pray that if this does work that the perfect little baby that will be inside of me will be well cared for and that I will be able to take care of little baby trostel the best I know how!

Thanks to everyone who is praying!

Prayer warriors!

2010-01-22T16:14:00.000-08:00

Ok so when I went to the doctor today they told me that my egg that they saw that was ready hasn't passed from my ovary yet. This is ok but it means I had to get an HCG shot to encourage the egg to move on! So I got got the shot and now I have to go in tomorrow ( Saturday) and on Sunday to actually do the inseminsation. I will have to wait to find out if it works just like everyone else. In a couple weeks when aunt flow is supposed to show, if she doesn't then I get a blood test and if she does then well we will try again. I am very excited but don't worry I am totally aware that we might have to do this again. I am just so thankful that my hope has been restored. I have been in such a bad place lately, and God knew that and he gave me my hope back! Keep praying for Bryan and I. It is going to be a long couple of weeks but we will make it though together! Thanks!

God is good!

2010-01-21T18:39:00.000-08:00

Well we can pretty much all ignore my last post at this point. I had pretty much given up any hope of getting pregnant (or even ovulating for that matter) without some serious drugs. The point I am at now is just a starting off point so the meds won't make me too sick but I have had some serious doubts wether or not it's even worth it....
Well let me tell you.....IT IS!!!

I went to my doc on Wed and I was pleasantly surprised, I am ovulating! For the first time in my life I am working correctly! There is one egg, one beautiful perfect egg ready to go and tomorrow I go in to see if it has done it's job. If it has and it has been released from my ovary they are going to inseminate me! woo hoo! If it's not ready they are going to give me a dose of HCG which in turn will release my egg, then I can go in on Saturday to be inseminated! So either way we are giving it our best shot this weekend!

Oh I am so nervous, this could be it. It only has to take one time. It might take more but this really could be it! I am praying so hard, Lord let your will be done!

This is also a blessing for us finanacially, because I haven't had to use the injectibles like we thought it is a fraction of the cost that we expected. Thus if it doesn't work we are going to be able to afford to try this multiple times! Praise the Lord oh my soul Praise the Lord!

Pray for me tomorrow and for the next month, it is going to be a very long month waiting to find out wether or not this has worked, pray for patience and pray that if this is the month when God will bless Bryan and I with our baby that he will cradle that baby and protect it from harm!

whew deep breath now and I am off Pray hard for me and Bryan!

The penny pinching has begun!

2010-01-07T15:47:00.000-08:00

After much planning Bryan and I have figured out how to save for the IUI we are going to do this September. It is a grand total of 6,000 and we definalty don't have that much lying around. It is going to take a lot of skimping on our part but I know we can do it. This is also going to take a lot of creativity on our part to find new things to do without spending extra money. While trying to be creative we thought it might be a good idea to spend more time working out, so with our last bit of spending cash for 2009 we bought a new excercise bike so that is what 2010 will be about for me. It's not a resolution cause thoes are always broken. It's a promise to myself and not only will I feel better about myself I will hopefully end a nasty cycle! Bryan and I have talked about trying to renew our vows for our 15th wedding anniversary in some tropical setting and I don't want to do that feeling the way I feel about myself...So I am changing!

2010 is about so much, it's about finding my place in this world. Praying about my purpose, praying for my heart, It's about so much and I am so excited to put 2009 behind me and Welcome this new year full of promise and excitement!

Through it all I will definalty keep swimming~

disapointment at Christmas

2009-12-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

So I had another negative pregnancy test, I am pretty bummed but right now I am just very anxious for 2010 to be here. I want to put this year behind me. We are saving money like crazy right now. We are doing our best to pay off our credit debt so we can put as much as we can into the IUI. This is going to be a great year, even if we don't get pregnant. We are moving on with our lives and living for what we have and not what we want.

Merry Christmas and may you be blessed with a terrrific 2010!~

Merry Christmas

2009-12-16T19:00:00.000-08:00

Christmas is just over a week away and I am struggling to find the Christmas spirit. This is my favorite time of year....usually. I am getting mad at myself for being such a scrooge lately. I have been spending a lot of time in my head lately, maybe even too much but I have been trying to discet my brain and figure out what is wrong with me. I have talked about before all of the blessings in my life and I remind myself daily how lucky I am. I don't want to take any of it for granted.

So this is totally scattered but this is how my mind is working right now so this is how it will be!

I am in a rut! Bryan and I were working and working on getting our life in order, we always had an excuse. First we were newly weds, then he was in school, then he had just graduated, then we had no money, then Bryan was just starting out at his new job.....and so on. Now what? What is it going to take to get our lives where we want them to be. So long ago I decided it was a baby that would fill the hole in my life but can I really sit around feeling like this anymore? It has been three years! If God has really intended for us to be parents he will show us how that is possible. I am working right now on figuring out what I can do now to help myself. I feel so distant from God and I know that isn't helping my hole. I went to church for the first time in a long time this week. I didn't want to but I am glad I did. I don't know if I am mad or numb or what it is but I just haven't wanted to go. It really felt good to be there.

I am hoping maybe reconnecting with some of my life I have abandoned will help me be happy where we are. Bryan and I have so much fun together but we have literally been waiting until we have a baby. We have planned everything in our lives for years around the face that I "might" be pregnant and wether or not I could do it pregnant. Some may call it being prepared but at this point it is just depressing. No more, next year for our anniversary we are going to Disneyland together. Could I be pregnant by then? Maybe, but that is something we will have to deal with when it comes. I am done waiting. I want to live my life the way things are now!

I can't spend the next ten years of my life in limbo waiting for the life I had planned for!

So a totally random blog but it feels really good to get that off my mind!

Merry Christmas to you all and I pray you will be blessed with the magic and warmth that Christmas can bring!

another month

2009-11-03T21:32:00.000-08:00

Well it has been another month since I last wrote and not much has changed. I finally did get brave enough to start my medication, and so far so good. It has made me just a little sick but nothing I can't manage. We have been making plans to try an IUI around next August if this try doesn't work.

My mom has been on my mind a lot lately, I have spent a lot of time trying not to think about her too much because it was just too hard. Lately however it has been helpful. Hard but helpful. Last sunday I attended our pastor appreciation lunch at our church, we have been very bad abou attending church since she died but I felt I needed to be at this lunch. They gave a chance for everyone to stand and say thanks to our Pastor and Youth Pastor for all they do and I had no intention of speaking....at all. However when they started speaking I felt as though I was pushed out of my chair and right onto the stage. Never have I wanted to run back to my seat so bad but I didn't, I stood in front of the microphone and looked my pastor in the eye and thanked him. I completly lost it but I thanked him, I told him how much she loved him and how much it meant to me that he was there with us everyday. I thanked him for saying such wonderful things about her to all of thoes people who came to pay their respects at her service. I never really thanked him before, it felt good to say it. I have often found myself reliving thoes 11 days in the hospital, each moment wondering if it would be the last. Holding my every breath as I watched another breath pass her lips, praying for God to take her and at the same time praying he wouldn't. I have to make myself remember more than that when thoes memories come around. I remember the trip we took to Breckenridge a year ago and even though she was sick it was wonderful. I remember her smell and the way her hand felt when it brushed my hair out of my eyes. I laugh about how goofy she was or when I realize how much I am like her.

I am blogging about my fertility journey but I am realizing how much the cancer journey is intertwined with it. They are both a fight.... my mom fought for her life and I am fighting too. I am so proud of her for all she did and I know she would be proud of me too.

I named this blog Just keep swimming because Dory will always remind me of my mom and when she was sick we told her to Just keep swimming and she did as long as she could and so will I!

2 years

2009-10-05T15:56:00.001-07:00

Today is October 5th 2009. Two years ago to the day my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was one of the worst and most exciting days of my adult life. ( As it was also the day my husband was offered a job locally and we realized we were not going to have to move to Texas!)

I am sitting in my bed writing this as I am sick again. My dad is thinking I have the swine flu but I am not so sure.

My life has changed so much in the last two years. I have now offically been on the cancer journey, We bought a house. I have gone through so much in fertility treatments, I sat in a hospital and watched and prayed for relief as my mother slipped away from us. Wow. What a crazy two years. I miss my mom today. I miss her every day but I really am missing her now. There have been moments ( a lot of them) where I really had a pity party for myself and cried over how unfair life is. I am 24 ( at least for a couple more days) years old, We have been TTC for nearly 3 years and I have been completly unsuccessful. My mom was taken from me 6 months ago, I can't seem to stay healthy, I could go on and on about how sad and pathetic I can make my life out to be..... BUT......

yes there is a but..... I was blessed with an amazing mother for 24 years of my life. I watch everyday as parents put their children on the back burner. I was never put on the back burner. I have been married for 5 glorious years to a wonderful man who would lasso the moon if I asked him to. I have a Terrific dad who worries about me and loves me more than I can fathom. I have a sister who is supportive of me and an awesome neice and two wonderful nephews whom I love so much! I am blessed, very blessed. I don't know if I am content in my life right now but I know how blessed I am. It has been two years, and I survived! God carried me through and I know he will carry me through as many years as he has laid out for me. It is because of him and all he has given me that I am able to Just keep swimming!

A month later......

2009-09-30T16:37:00.000-07:00

So it has been about a month since the last time I posted and really nothing has changed. We met with the doctor about our options and we found that our options cost a lot of money. He had one more drug combonation for me to try before he thought we should do an IUI. I haven't started it yet but I think I am going to within the next week. I have been kind of avoiding starting the drugs because it feels so good to not be on them. I feel like myself and I don't feel crazy! But I know it will be worth it. I have to keep swimming and do it for my baby. My baby that I can't wait to meet, the baby that is out there somewhere, MY baby!
We have been frantically trying to get our finances under control so we would maybe be able to afford to have an IUI next year. We are starting to look into adoption to see what our options are there. They have this thing now called embryo adoption and that is very interesting to me. It is kind of expensive but the agency did say they have payment plans for every program they offer. God will give me a baby I know it! Pray for me as I start these drugs up again. It's going to be a long road but I know that when things get hard there will only be one set of footprints in the sand. God will carry me through this!

Disapointing news

2009-08-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

So my last U.S. was very disapointing. It turns out my eggs have stalled out at the point they were at at the previous U.S.
The Doctor is meeting with us on Wednesday to discuss future plans. I am not looking forward to it. I don't know if we can afford much else. And if we can definalty not for awhile. I am trying not to jump to too many conclusions too soon but....I am not doing very well at it.

Things are totally crazy in my life right now and I know the stress is not helping. I don't know what to do about it though, I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't go to someone. To talk.

I am not crazy about the idea but I need to find an outlet for my stress. I wish it could be working out. LOL i am not a fan though!

I will update again after my appointment. I know there is a child out there for me. I don't know if they have already been born yet or not but I know they are out there!

Just keep swimming!

Ultra Sounds are just so much fun!

2009-08-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

So it's been a week since my last update and in that time I have had two more ultrasounds and and whirlwind of feelings. So the u.s. last week showed an egg on my left ovary that looked promising but in the second u.s. showed that egg had decreased in size. So that was disapointing but it also showed that there was an egg on my right ovary that could grow to the right size. So to keep track of that one little egg i went in today for yet another ultrasound. The doctor had told me that if there wasn't any sign of growth we were going to have to sit down and talk about other options. I know a lot of the other options and i was not looking forward to them.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was so nervous that my ultrasound today would go bad. I am not ready to hear that it's just not going to happen. That has been my greatest fear through this whole thing. So anyways I went to the appointment and much to my surprise the egg had grown. Very slowly but it had grown. It wasn't the progress the doctor had really wanted but he was still pleased. He is having me come in again on thursday to check one more time. It is very encouraging that I might be ovulating just very late.

So hopefully the good Doctor is right and he really can predict when i ovulate! This could be the month!

Wish me luck!

Good news?

2009-08-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

So I guess we got got good news today! I had an ultra sound to check the development of my eggs. The nurse that did it said that everything looked good and that there was definalty one egg that looked ready to go! She said I have a few days before ovulation and there was a chance the other eggs could catch up to the one that is maturing faster. She is said she has seen it before where they do that. It brought up a lot of discussion about what kind of descisions we might have to be making. It makes me wonder if I have been in this exact situation before and just not known it or is this new. Will it work this time? I am excited but also trying not to get too excited so it will be harder for me to be let down.

Ugh another day another delema!

I guess I will just keep swimming!

Why?

2009-08-16T21:08:00.001-07:00

So tomorrow Bryan will call the doctor and find out what our next step is. We have been talking about it and we are thinking that we want to continue like this for a few more months and have me tested every month to see if I am still ovulating or not. That will help us decide a lot. Bryan is going to get re tested next month to see if his count is the same as what they saw at the begining of all of this. All of these things really take the romance out of trying to have a baby! I wish I knew exactally what God was thinking. It seems almost unfair but he knows better than I do. One thing is for sure we are definalty going to be prepared when we finally do have a baby! Thanks to my sister! There is a reason and I guess I don't have to know it.

I don't know the reason for why most things have happened but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I have a lot of questions, I want to know why my mom was taken from us when she was so young. I want to know why she didn't have a chance to meet my children. I want to know why I have to go through so much without her. I think the only thing i do know for sure is that she is much better off then I am. My friend told me the other day they think i haven't gotten pregnant yet because my mom is being a baby hog in heaven. It made me laugh because I could picture it. She was amazing and I miss her every minute of everyday. I think about her everytime I feel like crying, or everytime I smile. She is everywhere. I really miss her.

God is Good all the time and all the time God is good!

The reason for my blog title is because of my mom. Dory reminds me of my mom and she used to tell me to just keep swimming all the time. So now I say this.....Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swiming swimming swiming What do we do we swim swim swim!

HSG done!

2009-08-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

So I did the HSG and everything went well. They were able to run the dye through my uturus and through my tubes. It was not a pleasant expirence but I made it through. The doctor said he gave me an A+!

Unfortunalty that also means that we are kind of at square one again. Dr. Bachus said that usually this can act as a flushing of the tubes too and that can encourage ovulation but he doesn't think it will really be benificial to me. My problem is more of an ovulation problem so it is going to take something different to get me pregnant. We didn't have time to discuss the next step witht the doctor today so I have to call Monday to figure that out.

I am increadibly tired of having no answers. It seems like everything i do doesn't work and every test i take is negative. This process is not supposed to be that hard. Sometimes I feel like less of a woman. I should be able to get pregnant that is how God designed me but aparently he didn't design me that way. That is what I am discovering. I just wish I understood what he was thinking!

It made me laugh today when I was at the surgery center trying to get into a very uncomfortable position on a bed to get ready for a very uncomfortable procedure. The nurse that was helping me told me that i reminded her of that song from finding nemo. She asked me what it was again and I said Just keep swimming. She said yeah Just keep swimming. Then she said something that I needed to hear. She said " I guess we all have to Just keep swimming sometimes". So I say it to you now.
Just keep swimming!

Something has got to work

2009-08-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

The new dosage of clomid is not agreeing with me. I have had several migraines while on it and I have had no desire to do anything. I have tried not to let it get to me but sometimes I just can't help it. It's hard, I am tired.

I am starting to get nervous about my HSG test. I am not really worried about it hurting I am just a little afraid of what they will find. If they find nothing then we are right where we are now but with less options. If there is something then that alone is a little nerve wracking! There could be so many things wrong but a part of me wants them to find a blockage or something because then maybe i could get pregnant. Something has got to work!!

I am tired, I am worn out, but I am doing my best to Just keep swimming!

Ugh......

2009-08-07T17:17:00.001-07:00

Well today is my first day on the 250 mg of clomid. Already I want to crawl out of my skin! I am trying to keep a grasp of myself but I feel as though I am being taken over by a monster of hormones and I can't control myself.

I was able to reschedule my appointment for the dye test for next friday. Usually you are not able to get in on such short notice but i have some awesome doctors and nurses working for me! It was great of them to get me in! I am not really looking forward to it but I know I am not doing all of this for nothing. I know God will bring me a baby! How is now the question..

I hope you all just keep swimming

Hurray?

2009-08-05T17:03:00.000-07:00

So good news! My period did finally start today! It is however not early enough that I can get my dye test done but at least it started! It has been so frusterating feeling like this whole process is going back wards. I am vey glad at least my body will work with the medication, however annoying it might be!

Now I have clomid to look forward to. This dosage is higher than any i have ever taken and I am a bit nervous about it. This is a stressful time of year anyway I just hope I can make it through it with out complelty going crazy! I need prayer for the next few weeks. I need you to pray that my time on the clomid won't be too bad and that I will be able to reschedule the dye test without much problem~

Until then I hope you all will Just keep swimming!

Pray for me!

2009-08-02T17:41:00.000-07:00

So things are not going well.....If I do not start my period by tomorrow i have to reschedule my dye test in a month! I have to be in a certain spot in my cycle and If I don't start I won't be there yet. God will take care of me I know it but I need you to pray!

Thanks

My God is so big!

2009-08-01T14:32:00.001-07:00

I have realized lately that I have had a definant case of the blues. The last two years have been so hard and so tiring. I have noticed myself giving up.....giving up on babies.....giving up on all the things I have wanted for myself. It has been ahrd not to feel that way but I have decided to stop it! I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to stop worrying and I definalty want to stop stressing!

Will I? I don't know but I want to and I am trying to make it more of a mental thing. I am making the descision to hand over all of my problems to God. My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do! But there is plenty I can't do so I have to ask myself why am I trying to handle all of this on my own.

God is good and I know he will take care of me!

I hope you all can Just keep swimming!

Running out of possibilities

2009-07-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

So i have scheduled my appoitment to get my tubes tested for blockages for August 7th. I am very anxious for it. Not necessarly because it is supossed to be uncomfortable but mainly because I am afraid it will show nothing. Before my problem was obvious. I didn't ovulate. It was clear and concise and i thought once that was fixed I would be pregnant. I was wrong. I wish it were that easy. Now this is all so frusterating because we have no clue why it's not working! If my tubes are blocked they are confident i will get pregnant soon but if they are not we are sitting in the same place i have been for the past 3 years! I know God will Bless me, I have a friend who has been trying to concieve for nearly 10 years and she has been wonderful to me through this whole process partly because she has been through it all herself. I am so happy to say that as I am writing this she is in a foreign country that I could not even begin to try and spell picking out her baby! I am so happy for her and her husband and the beautiful baby God picked for them!

I do not know in what way God will deliver my baby to me or if it will even be one baby! But i do know however he does it will exceed my expectations. It will be more than i could ever imagine! All good things are worth waiting for!

Pray for me as I am still waiting for my period to start this month and as I try and cope with the hormones I must take. Pray that I will be patient and that I will apreciate the life I have while I have it. Pray that God will prepare me for the changes he will bring to my life! Pray that I will be able to Just keep swimming!

No news

2009-07-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

So I was trying to give myself some more time for my body to start working on it's own but aparently we are not on the same page about this. I go in Monday or tuesday to get a blood test to make sure that I really am not pregnant ( though I am pretty sure I am not) so I can start taking provera to jump start my period. On day 3 of my cycle I start taking the 250 mg of clomid for 5 days. I am not excited. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it IF it works. On August 7 I go in to take the dye test, which again I am not excited about. But I will keep swimming! I can do this and I can handle it!

In Church today my friend Nathan preached about hope. My dad came was there too and I was so happy to see him there. During the sermon he preached about how we all have trials but Hope is what gets us through it. God has made promises to us that are greater than anything we can imagine. That is my hope. Does it mean I will have biological kids....No it doesn't but it means he will take care of me. It means that I need to rejoice in the gifts I have been given and he will continue to be blessed. I am so blessed and I have so many things to hope for! Hope is a good thing, such a great gift!

So I will end this today with my favorite line!
Just keep swimming!!!

This is so expensive!

2009-07-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

Well we talked to the fertiltiy doctor today to let her know that I have not had my period yet but the test I took last week was negative. Not only is this disapointing in the sense of I'm not pregnant but it also means my body has stopped cycling on it's own. Ugh!!! So annoying! I thought things were finally starting to work right but no of course not!

So I made an appoitment to get an HSG done which is an outpatient procedure that runs dye through my tubes to see if they are blocked. (Oh boy I can't wait! ) We are hoping the insurance covers that one. The doctor also said they are upping my dosage of clomid which I didn't even know they were willing to do. The last two months have been absolutly miserable on the dose I was on I can't even imagine how hard 50 mg more will be! If I cannot get pregnant on this my next option will be an IUI which is where they would use my egg and my husband sperm and try and create a baby inside me. Kinda takes the romance out of the whole thing doesn't it? Unfortunalty if this becomes a reality it can't be done until next year because of the cost. My husband just got a significant raise at work (praise God!!) But it is still out of our reach at the time. If this doesn't work we were informed we would have to move into the $10,000 range and that is just completly out of our range of possibility. So basically if I can't get pregnant with the first IUI......I probably won't be able to get pregnant. Harsh reality!

When we first sat down with the doctor and he showed us all of the possibilities before us I was so relieved to see how many options we had. But now I feel as though we are getting to the end of the list and my options and suddenly limited. I am not opposed to adoption in fact I plan on doing it someday anyway but I never really planned on it being my only choice. I always planned on things working out.

I guess that goes to show you that we are not the authors of our own stories. God has the pen and he is writing all the twists and turns in my book. The hardest part is letting him. But I guess if I had the choice to read something I wrote or something God wrote, I would choose him anyday. And that is exactally what I am doing. I am giving my pen to God!

Until next time I will Just keep swimming!

Day 2

2009-07-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

So as nothing has changed in my long road of infertility since yesterday when I started this blog, I don't have much to say! However I have come to terms a little more about why I am doing this.

Multiple times since I started with my newest doctor I have been told to journal all of this. Well I haven't journeled since I was much younger so I didn't really want to keep a diary. But yesterday when I was reading my sisters blog "My not so everyday life" I realized this would be an oppertunity for me to "journal" and get feedback and support from others! So far it is working! So my favor I need from anyone who reads this is to help me out. If you have been through this or you know someone who has been through this pass it on. I don't know what I am doing and it has been emensly helpful for me to talk to others who have been through the same thing! I would really appreciate it! "Look to the Son and you shall feel his warmth"
Just keep Swimming!

Here it goes!

2009-07-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

So I have never blogged before. I have never thought about blogging before. My sister is the blogger in our family, she has kept a blog of our cancer journey with my mom for the last two years. As I am writing this I am asking myself why in the world am I doing this. I am not a very interesting person. I don't have any kids, I work all day. What do I have to say? Well the answer is I don't know if anything I say will be interesting to any of you but I know it will make me feel better to journal this journey i am on.

So here it goes!

My name is Erin, I have been married to a wonderful man for nearly 5 years now! Time has flown! I have one sister and she has three beautiful and wonderful children. As I said my mom past away from a very long and curagious battle with pancreatic cancer in April of this year. My dad is amazing. He has been there for me through everything I have gone through. I work as a preschool teacher in my hometown. I love living here. This is where I want to raise my family someday!

And that brings me to why I write. I am on a journey. A journey with my husband, a journey of infertility. A journey of love, a journey of Faith!

I am 24 years old and all I have ever wanted to do is have kids. When I was 11 years old my cycle started just like it was supposed to but then it stopped. I learned when I was 14 that i had very irregular cycles and that things would be harder for me as i grew up. At the time it didn't mean much but I had one question for my doctor. Will I be able to have children? The only answer I recieved was we will cross that bridge when we get to it. I tried medication after medication after medication and I had no help. I would not cycle for sometimes up to a year and then when it came it would not stop for months. I lived a normal teenage life but I always had the question in my mind of wether or not I would be able to have children. However as my doctor had said it was not something i needed to worry about yet.

In October of 2004 I married my husband. We were young and we both knew that as soon as we were financially able we wanted to have children. In Janurary of 2007 I thought a miracle had happend when I had recieved my period for the second month in a row. My husband was due to graduate from CSU in may so we thought it a good time to start trying. I went to the doctor and she told me everything looked good and there was no reason not to try. After a year of no success I returned to the doctor for help. I knew at this point that my question was now valid. Can i have children? Still no answer. I was put on metformin to help regulate me and to encourage ovulation. I was then put on a combonation of metformin and clomid. I went on with this combo for another year. In Jan of 09 I was refered to a specialist. I am finally getting some encouragment from this doctor. He tells me my case is like that of many he has seen. He starts me on a low dose of clomid and tells me to get my blood tested every two weeks to check for a rise in my hormone levels. Unfortunalty this alone is a task. As they say at the lab I am "not a good stick"! It is painful and draining but i have gone. Then finally in March of 09 I have success they tell me that for the first time in my life I have ovulated! A glimmer of hope is felt! I am thanking God for giving the doctors the knowledge to help me! However the dosage I was on failed to help me get pregnant. It is now July of 2009. I have many tests left to do and many options still in front of me. I am still not pregnant but I have come to realize that this journey I have been on has brought me close to God and given me a true understanding of the power of my God! He has it all written out for us, when we will be born, when we will die. We are not meant to know his plans until it is his time. I am writing this blog for encouragment for either me or you. I am writing this to tell the world what God has taught me. I do not know if anyone will read this but that is ok! God will hear it and that is enough! My mom went through more than I could ever imagine having to bear. She had an amazing attitude towards life and I envied that so. When I would struggle she would give me encouragment and she would tell me to Just Keep Swimming!